LANGHORNE PRESENTS...

Hey Thinkers,
Welcome to my hilarious blog. Here you will meet a bunch of crazy folks that live inside my head. Mostly hateful, nasty critters, but they do make a decent point here and there.
I have one major rule (followed by an ever-expanding pantheon of minor ones): NO PERSONAL ATTACKS.
Think, disagree, argue. Don't be an asshole. My characters will take care of that. Cuss all you want but speak coherently and please proofread your comments.
These things will help you not only look smarter but help you to be taken seriously.
I welcome everyone to choose a side and rebut, refute, bandy, and bicker. Have fun with it.
Enjoy the show.

LESBIANS

Podcast – Lesbians

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

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LESBIANS

FOGHORN stares at LEGHORN like an old-west gunslinger preparing to draw.  It’s obvious they despise each other.  This is probably why they get along so well.  Instead of pulling a gun, Leghorn flips an arrant strand of hair away and takes a long pull on a pint.  Foghorn grows impatient.

Leghorn knows this and takes more time than is absolutely necessary to build and light a hand-rolled.  Foghorn stage sighs loudly in frustration.  No, not because Leghorn lit a cigarette in a bar (in this reality no one is naïve enough to believe someone else’s suicide is more dangerous for them than the one committing the act. Yes the bullet still has a fair amount of speed as it exits the skull but it is fragmented and while it might poke an eye out the chance of death is minimal) but because Leghorn is wasting precious time.

Foghorn:  Well?

Leghorn:  I don’t believe in lesbians.

What?

I don’t think they exist.

They do.  I’ve met some.

How progressive of you.  Did you actually talk to any of them?

Of course.  A friend of mine from high school was a lesbian…for a while.

Aha.  Just as I hypothesized.  I’ve known a bunch of dykes in my time too.  But they either fall in love with a guy or were “experimenting” but the fact is they all love having something shoved in their snooze.

Are you saying gay is a choice?

Not at all.  Gay guys are GAY.  Gay girls are pretending.

That’s ridiculous.  There’s a genetic predisposition to being gay.

Maybe but when I meet a lesbian I feel like asking “When were you molested?”

Getting angry now.

Whatever.  If lesbians were real, they wouldn’t want the same sexual intercourse as heterosexual women.  They should do bizarre shit like the real gays.  Maybe like tit to clit or some shit like that.

That’s ridiculous.  So you believe every gay guy that’s a “top” is actually a closet straight guy.

Not at all.  Gays use an entirely different outlet for sexual gratifi-

The penis?

No the ass.

No.  Trust me.  It’s the penis.  Genitals don’t change in gay people.  They aren’t a different species.  I’ll admit that it seems like gays and lesbians have suffered a higher percentage of sexual abuse but that’s because they are asked about it more often.

Maybe, but I can’t see two straight guys making out and sword fighting with their dicks to get mardi gras beads.  It just seems too easy for women to bounce back and forth.  I’m gay.  I’m straight.  I like diesel dykes.  No wait I fell in love with Joe at work.  No, I prefer girls again.  Make up your fucking mind.  And why are you so pissed off all the time.  Do you have to be offended by every goddamn thing any one says or does?

I hate you so much right now.  Everything you say sucks.

Like what?

Like what?  Are you seriously this much of a douche nozzle?  Everyone’s different.  You can’t make such broad generalizations.  There’s no fact in anything you say.  It’s all, “I think this and I’ve seen that”.  How can I rationally argue against your perception?

Is that really what’s pissing you off or is it that you know I’m right.

Leghorn takes a smug sip of beer and an arrogant drag on his cigarette.

Go fuck yourself you smug arrogant shit clown.

—————————————————————–

DRIVING TIP #20 A car accident, even a small one, is probably going to be one of the worst days of your life. Do yourself a favor and avoid hitting things.

 

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