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Welcome to my hilarious blog. Here you will meet a bunch of crazy folks that live inside my head. Mostly hateful, nasty critters, but they do make a decent point here and there.
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Enjoy the show.


This one pretty much says it all. If there is any one feature I try to keep in the forefront of my social life, it’s my shallowness. Enjoy.
Podcast – Fatties

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

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Foghorn and Leghorn sit in a swank hipster bistro. For reasons that can only be described as environmental, they are both surprised to be sipping grey goose martinis. As always, Foghorn is taking way too long to order.

Foghorn: (To waiter) I think I want to start with the jalapeno poppers. Then the–

Leghorn: The salad?

I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.

With a side salad?


Leghorn sighs.

What’s your damage now?

You’re fat. (To waiter) I’ll have the salad.

So what?

You don’t wear it well. You’re unattractive. I don’t like unattractive people.

Oh and you’re the end all be all of beauty?

Nope. But at least I make an effort to look decent. You eat like your planning to hibernate for the winter. It’s disgusting. Fat is disgusting. Fat people eating like pigs is disgusting. Shows you have zero self-respect.

You’re one shallow motherfucker.

Am I? Is it shallow to lose respect for someone because they have a major personality flaw?

No. It’s shallow to judge people on the way they look.

Really? What about the way you smell? Is that shallow?

What do you mean?

If you smelled like a sack of anuses, would it be shallow if I no longer wanted to hang out with you?

I guess not.

What if you screeched every time you opened your mouth?

What’s your point?

I’m trying to establish the criteria for shallowness. It seems to me that shallow is strictly visual. Would it be shallow if you came at me in assless chaps and I ran away?

I guess not but to base your opinion on something that is purely visual is the definition of shallow. What if I had the body of an Abercrombie model but I also had a harelip. Would you hate me then?

Yes. I don’t like ugly people. And yes. That is shallow. I admit it. I’m not saying I’m deep. All I’m saying is fat people are disgusting. Fat isn’t something you’re born with. Yeah, Okay, thyroid blah blah blah. I get it. There are things. But that’s like one in ten-thousand. Most of you fat-ass losers just don’t give a shit. I don’t like people that don’t give a shit.

So now we all have to look like super-models just to talk to you. How is it that you have any friends?

No. No. No. Not super-models. Like…You…Give…A…Shit. Lazy people are a waste of space. All I’m saying is; don’t be a waste of space.

But fat doesn’t mean lazy. Some people have more important things on their mind than looking good for you.

Yet another excuse. If you are out of breath tying your shoes, how much are you really going to accomplish.

Plus, losing weight doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a commitment that lasts a lifetime.

Well score one for fatties. Lazy and afraid of commitment. What a catch. Yeah, I really feel wrong for being judgmental.

I never expect you to feel wrong about anything. You should feel like a fucking shallow dickhead though.

I don’t. I can’t respect any one who doesn’t take care of themselves. If they can’t take care of themselves, how could they ever take care of me?

I knew it. You self-serving prick fucking bastard. It always comes down to how the world can benefit you.

Of course.

I hope you choke on your lettuce.

Foghorn takes one massive last bite and with grease running down his chin he leaves the table. Leghorn watches him waddle away, chewing on a forkful of micro greens (whatever they are) and starts to choke.


DRIVING TIP #10– It’s not everyone else’s fault. Sometimes you fuck up. Own it and move on.


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