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Enjoy the show.



Podcast – Republicans

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

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DEMOSTHENES rises from his luxurious couch still chewing a grape and follows the slim proud figure of LOCKE as he crosses the crowded hall briefly engaging in conversation as he passes the other philosophers. He bumps Descartes, knocking wine into the Frenchman’s lap. The man hardly notices, as he is deep in a solipsistic quandary.

Freud has quite an audience. He is demonstrating something (by frantically thrusting his cigar through a napkin ring) to the crowd around him. He seems to have far more energy than a late middle-aged man should possess. Kierkegaard is apparently IT and is having a hard time catching Schelling, Hegel, or Schlegel.

Locke steps onto the dais and the two philosophers shake limply. A pulsing hatred bounces back and forth between the two thinkers.

This is a planned meeting and Locke wastes no time getting to the point.

Locke:  I’ve finally figured out republicans.

Demosthenes regains his former position in the comfy chair, accepts a peeled grape, and takes a sip of mead from his goat skull tankard.

Demosthenes:  This should be good.

I assure you this will only sting a little.

Very well. Continue.

The republican philosophy boils down to this, “I care about me and mine to the exclusion of all others.” This is honestly what their mission statement should be. The unfortunate bit is that this is an absolutely terrible basis of governance.

So caring for those close to you is what? Evil?

Not at all. The problem lies in attempting to make choices for those you care nothing about.  And isn’t that a major responsibility of any government? After all, it’s written into the Declaration of Independence.

Why do you think the party is constantly fighting for deregulation and lower taxes? We believe that the federal government should deal exclusively with foreign affairs. Keeping their hands out of our pockets and allowing the state and local governments to deal with the needs of their populous.

Noble.  Flawed but noble.

How can that be flawed?

Well, consider traveling. Certain laws need to carry over from state to state otherwise we will lose cohesion and become the separated states of America.

For example?

Let’s say Massachusetts decides to kill every third baby because the state can’t sustain its current rate of population growth.

Ridiculous. But that would be their right.

Really? So Boston now has several smothering centers. Millions of people move away but then again millions of people move in because it’s cheaper to smother a child than to pay for the Ritalin to help them cope with their ADD. Mississippi reinstates slavery. Utah erects a fence around the state to keep out atheists. All of this is absolutely acceptable in the republican dream world as long as it’s duly processed and democratically voted on. Despite the human rights violations.

You should have more faith in people. No one will want to kill children or bring back slavery. Even if they did, like you say, people would be free to move away. But what we ultimately want is to be able to control what flows out of our wallets.

This is the problem. Republicans are thoughtless about everything except greed. Destroy anything that stands in the way of profit. Keep making poor people suffer. Fuck those broke bastards. If they can’t help my bottom line, why don’t they just die? And where does all this inane antiquated morality come from? How can you have such staunch morals about how people live their lives when you don’t give a shit about them?

I thought you said this wasn’t going to offend.

Fuck you and all those like you. You’re like children. “I want everything except the responsibility for my actions. I want to shit on people and tell them how they should live at the same time.”

So much for a pleasant discourse.

Good. You fucking soulless shit bird. Get your worthless fat cat ass out of my government. You offer nothing but banality and the worst of human characteristics. Your philosophy is based on fantasy and ignorance. People need guidance. Not some sort of caged anarchism in the form of a scorched earth policy.

This is why they say never discuss politi-

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Only people that are wrong on everything say things shouldn’t be discussed.

I’m leaving now.

Demosthenes struggles with his bloated mass and manages to gain his footing. He waddles off the dais and as he crosses the room, Kierkegaard taps him lightly on the shoulder exclaiming that he is now IT.  Demosthenes punches the existentialist in the gut, reaches around, and steals his wallet.

Thief. Jack-hole. Get out of here. Go kill prisoners while at the same time fighting pro-choice. Go hire a thousand illegal immigrants while at the same time complaining about them being here. Go take everyone’s livelihood while telling them you are doing the best you can. Go stick your dick in a band saw.


HIPSTER WARNING SIGN #1 You are a man and you find yourself inexplicably in a pair of Capri pants.

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