LANGHORNE PRESENTS...

Hey Thinkers,
Welcome to my hilarious blog. Here you will meet a bunch of crazy folks that live inside my head. Mostly hateful, nasty critters, but they do make a decent point here and there.
I have one major rule (followed by an ever-expanding pantheon of minor ones): NO PERSONAL ATTACKS.
Think, disagree, argue. Don't be an asshole. My characters will take care of that. Cuss all you want but speak coherently and please proofread your comments.
These things will help you not only look smarter but help you to be taken seriously.
I welcome everyone to choose a side and rebut, refute, bandy, and bicker. Have fun with it.
Enjoy the show.

Julie R./Randy

CHARLIE SHEEN

This post was incredibly funny a couple months ago. I think it still has merit. See if you can guess where these characters names come from. I’ll give you a hint: The song in the background is from the same thing.

Podcast – Charlie Sheen

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

Facebook Link

CHARLIE

Look, sometimes the people in my head aren’t that bright. Like these two twits, babbling on and on about inane bullshit. Thanks in advance for tolerating their idiotic spoutings.

JULIE R. and RANDY are wasting time digging through the bargain racks at Target. Well, the are mostly hoping to catch the eye of the cute stock boy. Conversation between them flows freely like vomit in a Chinaski story.

Julie: I love Charlie Sheen like so much right now.

Randy: Eww. He’s all weird and freaky and old.

But that’s what I like. Not the old or whatever but he’s just like totally different from all those other Hollywood types.

But he’s crazy.

What makes you say that?

C’mon, seriously? He’s all waving machetes around and dating porn stars and stuff. Totally lost his shit.

No way. He’s just a guy going through like a total midlife crisis. What 45-year-old man doesn’t want to date 20-year-old porn stars? And like like machetes and stuff. He’s just like testing boundaries er whatever.

Whatever is right bitch. Have you heard him talk? He’s all “winning” and “tiger’s blood” and all “warlock of Malibu” and junk. Totally whacked. I like can you know barely even kinda understand or whatever…

It’s not literal. He’s like using metaphor and stuff.

I don’t know. I think the coke rotted his brain.

No way.

Yes way. He’s got a real problem. I kind of feel sorry for him.

OMG. He’s super rich, with a nice house and stuff.

But the drugs–

Enough with the drugs already. If this were like the sixties or something, he wouldn’t even be in the top fifty of drug addict celebrities. We’ve totally gotten out of control with the Nancying.

But drugs are bad. We should like totally say no.

Why? You know it’s not like everybody that does drugs is automatically an addict or whatever. Some times, people just want to party. I see nothing wrong with that. It’s so bad now that celebrities can’t even like fuck without having to like go to rehab.

But that’s because it’s unhealthy. Tiger totally needed to reform and get treatment ‘cause he was like totally out of control.

As if. He needed treatment for what, being rich and handsome and horny? I wish I was in that situation.

But he was married. Cheating’s so totally wrong.

But like ninety percent of couples cheat at some point or another. It’s not that big of a deal.

Gross. You have totally misplaced your moral compass. Like dig it out of your panty drawer.

Don’t get douchey. Things aren’t all like black and white and all good and evil or whatever. It’s all gray and–

Like, uh, like–

What? I totally caught you blowing a guy in that bathroom that time. Where do you get all these like moral high ground things?

Oh my god. You whore. How can you bring that up?

You get all high horse and shit about these people but you have no right.

Of course I do. They are in the public eye. They like have a duty to be all valiant and noble and stuff.

Where the H does that come from? Have you lost your puny mind?

I will totally slap you.

Go for it bitch.

The brawl is short lived and ends as soon as the stock boy comes back into sight. The two morons fix themselves quickly and attempt to look casual. Eventually he leaves again without noticing their furtive glances.

I kinda think Randy Quaid is hot.

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DRIVING TIP #8 Sometimes the road curves. I assure you, the road continues on the other side of the curve. Yes, even if you can’t see it. Keep off the brakes, ass hair.


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