LANGHORNE PRESENTS...

Hey Thinkers,
Welcome to my hilarious blog. Here you will meet a bunch of crazy folks that live inside my head. Mostly hateful, nasty critters, but they do make a decent point here and there.
I have one major rule (followed by an ever-expanding pantheon of minor ones): NO PERSONAL ATTACKS.
Think, disagree, argue. Don't be an asshole. My characters will take care of that. Cuss all you want but speak coherently and please proofread your comments.
These things will help you not only look smarter but help you to be taken seriously.
I welcome everyone to choose a side and rebut, refute, bandy, and bicker. Have fun with it.
Enjoy the show.

Posts Tagged ‘debate’

Thoughts After The Shooting In Orlando June 12, 2016


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The Grit in the Gullet

So we have a new mass murder, a big one, and the argument immediately begins again on gun control. The righteous shouts renew on the need for more stringent gun legislation. The counter voices erupt with shouts about cold dead hands and constitutional rights. Then there’s my small (but vibrantly masculine) voice, possibly others as well, quietly murmuring there may be a larger problem here, something more difficult to grasp, something underneath; the problem of what makes this type of disgusting act possible and why, in our day and age, does the next one seem inevitable.

I view the gun argument as unrealistic (there is no chance of wishing guns away) or at its best, a band-aid that covers an infected wound, a way of ignoring the underlying problem. The reason for this distraction seems valid and for most people it has become a necessary distraction from the larger, trickier issue. The bottom line is this mass murder and all others like it are my fault. To say it’s societies fault or the assault rifles fault or the killers fault seems disingenuous to me. When I read about these killings, I know deep down, in some fundamental way, it is my fault. But if you think I’m going down alone, you’ve got another think coming. Most of you are coming with me.

I know it’s my fault because I don’t react in horror the way I should. I know it’s my fault because I don’t care about any of the people involved the way I should. These killings affect my life in no direct or impactful way. I dread the day one of them will, but at the moment, I am still safe in my own little world. I can imagine the pain the victims, witnesses, and families were and are forced to endure. Of course I can. I’m a writer, it’s part of the job, a big part. The trouble is, for me, I keep looking past the horror of the act itself. I’m on a constant search to find the ‘why’ and in trying to find the ‘why’ I inevitably find myself standing in the spotlight and on trial.

The problem is so much more than guns or terrorism or violence in movies and video games. The problem is in the way I live day to day. Being a curmudgeon (however lovable) means I am part of the problem. It means that I’m not connected to the people around me in a positive, uplifting way. My excuse for this is that I may be a humbug, but I try to make people laugh. It’s a good excuse. It grants me carte blanche to say what I feel needs to be said. I can spread terrible truths as the sad clown.

Unfortunately, most of us are responsible for, at the very least, dipping our toes in this collective negativity. Whether it be discussing politics or religion, watching Fox News, or bitching about the boss and that weird person in the office no one likes. We contribute by not calling our moms, ignoring the homeless, and repeating the American mantra of, “that’s not my problem.”

I’m not saying we are bad people. We aren’t. None of us are. This isn’t a judgement of our character. It’s an indictment of our innate survival instinct. Even these mass murderers were innocent and naive at one point. We can’t be held responsible for the lives we have never touched and pessimism is a legitimate lifestyle. But if we just took that extra second to ask cousin so-and-so what they meant by that hateful remark or found out why that one friend won’t let anyone look in their closet or made the effort to tell the people we love how important they are to us more often, then we all, in our own tiny way, could be contributing to the end of these terrible acts.

But until we do, until I do, there won’t be any easy answers. And I, for one, am sorry for my part in it.

-LJT 2016

 

FATTIES

This one pretty much says it all. If there is any one feature I try to keep in the forefront of my social life, it’s my shallowness. Enjoy.
Podcast – Fatties

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

Facebook Link
FATTIES

Foghorn and Leghorn sit in a swank hipster bistro. For reasons that can only be described as environmental, they are both surprised to be sipping grey goose martinis. As always, Foghorn is taking way too long to order.

Foghorn: (To waiter) I think I want to start with the jalapeno poppers. Then the–

Leghorn: The salad?

I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.

With a side salad?

Fries.

Leghorn sighs.

What’s your damage now?

You’re fat. (To waiter) I’ll have the salad.

So what?

You don’t wear it well. You’re unattractive. I don’t like unattractive people.

Oh and you’re the end all be all of beauty?

Nope. But at least I make an effort to look decent. You eat like your planning to hibernate for the winter. It’s disgusting. Fat is disgusting. Fat people eating like pigs is disgusting. Shows you have zero self-respect.

You’re one shallow motherfucker.

Am I? Is it shallow to lose respect for someone because they have a major personality flaw?

No. It’s shallow to judge people on the way they look.

Really? What about the way you smell? Is that shallow?

What do you mean?

If you smelled like a sack of anuses, would it be shallow if I no longer wanted to hang out with you?

I guess not.

What if you screeched every time you opened your mouth?

What’s your point?

I’m trying to establish the criteria for shallowness. It seems to me that shallow is strictly visual. Would it be shallow if you came at me in assless chaps and I ran away?

I guess not but to base your opinion on something that is purely visual is the definition of shallow. What if I had the body of an Abercrombie model but I also had a harelip. Would you hate me then?

Yes. I don’t like ugly people. And yes. That is shallow. I admit it. I’m not saying I’m deep. All I’m saying is fat people are disgusting. Fat isn’t something you’re born with. Yeah, Okay, thyroid blah blah blah. I get it. There are things. But that’s like one in ten-thousand. Most of you fat-ass losers just don’t give a shit. I don’t like people that don’t give a shit.

So now we all have to look like super-models just to talk to you. How is it that you have any friends?

No. No. No. Not super-models. Like…You…Give…A…Shit. Lazy people are a waste of space. All I’m saying is; don’t be a waste of space.

But fat doesn’t mean lazy. Some people have more important things on their mind than looking good for you.

Yet another excuse. If you are out of breath tying your shoes, how much are you really going to accomplish.

Plus, losing weight doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a commitment that lasts a lifetime.

Well score one for fatties. Lazy and afraid of commitment. What a catch. Yeah, I really feel wrong for being judgmental.

I never expect you to feel wrong about anything. You should feel like a fucking shallow dickhead though.

I don’t. I can’t respect any one who doesn’t take care of themselves. If they can’t take care of themselves, how could they ever take care of me?

I knew it. You self-serving prick fucking bastard. It always comes down to how the world can benefit you.

Of course.

I hope you choke on your lettuce.

Foghorn takes one massive last bite and with grease running down his chin he leaves the table. Leghorn watches him waddle away, chewing on a forkful of micro greens (whatever they are) and starts to choke.

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DRIVING TIP #10– It’s not everyone else’s fault. Sometimes you fuck up. Own it and move on.

 

HUCKLEBERRY FINN (REVISED)

This one was tough. I feel all over the place on issues like this. Yes, nigger is a shitty word. No, we should never use it. (In fact, I probably shouldn’t have used it two sentences ago.) Changing the past to appease anyone is wrong. Or is it?

Podcast – My Slave

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

The Slut’s Facebook Link

I will be posting small rants there soon.

MY SLAVE

SLICK SAMMY has got a good lean going. “Yeah. This is the life,” He thinks. Just as he’s about to light another joint, he sees BRYANT turn the corner and head his way. Bryant looks…Uncomfortable…Something is wrong with him…Looks almost like he has a stick in his ass…He almost looks…White.

Slick Sammy’s curiosity has gotten him in trouble again because as soon as Bryant catches his eye he decides to hail a brother.

BRYANT:  Hey. What’s happening my slave?

SLICK SAMMY:  What the fuck did you call me?

Oh, pardon me. Perhaps you haven’t heard. It’s the currently appropriate slang for nigger.

First of all chump; there is no appropriate slang for the word nigger.  Second, try callin’ me slave again and see if you live.

Oh?  But that new version of HUCKLEBERRY FINN says it’s the way to go.

New version? That Twain joint? Hasn’t he been dead for about a hundred years? Didn’t realize he was still working on that book.

No, no.  Some old southern white guy says it’s okay.

Really. He does realize that Jim isn’t a slave anymore right? Or does he call him “runaway slave Jim” every time? What the fuck is wrong with people?

I think he was trying to open the book to a wider audience.

How? By rewriting it? It ain’t the same thing. All he did was piss on a good book.

If it means children can read it in school, it’s worth it.

This has to stop. No one has the right to change someone’s work. If an artist wants to change it, fine. If Spielberg and Lucas want to ruin their classic movies with new technology, fancy computer shit. Fine. It’s there shit to fuck up. If they try to change Alien or Friday, we stop them. What’s next? The statue of David gets a suit? Venus de Milo gets a prom dress?

But the words are offensive. We don’t need that kind of thing in modern society.

Bullshit. We need to remember how terrible things were or they will come back. It’s idiotic to try and bury the past.

You’re missing the point. If we aren’t allowed to expose people to things than we run the same risk as burying the past. And if that means losing some of the meaning and some of the facts of the time than we should be willing to make that sacrifice.

My dick. Who says we can’t expose people to Huck Finn?

It makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

No shit. You think Twain didn’t know that? You think that wasn’t in his mind when he wrote the fucking thing?

Maybe. How can we be sure? We need to give people the opportunity to make that decision.

I tell you what Uncle Tom why don’t you try changing my words. See what happens.

I’m not trying to make you angry. I just don’t think outdated slang terms are appropriate in the 21st century.

Who says? You think taking words out of my mind is any better than putting them in my mouth?

I don’t think this is quite the same thing.

It’s not huh. So if I took everything you just said to me and, I don’t know, blacked it up a little, you’d be fine with it.

I certainly don’t think that would be appropriate–

“The fuck you say?”

What is it that you are insunuating?

“You steppin’ to me?”

What does that mean?

It’s colloquial. Just like Huck Finn. It ain’t about your dumb ass getting it. It’s about your dumb ass learning something you don’t know. If you change how the information is delivered, you change the meaning as well.

I really have to take umbrage at your–

Tell you what? You take your umbrage and put it next to that stick in your ass.

Slick Sammy pulls out his joint and lights it. After a couple puffs, he offers it to a shocked and disgusted Bryant.

I refuse to indulge in this type of behavior and frankly, I find your demeanor to be gruff and inhospitable.

Okay. You told me. Now I’m going to throw that back to you translated. “Fuck off, motherfucker.”

 

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DRIVING TIP #1 Using blinkers tells everyone else on the road you know what you’re doing. Not using blinkers lets everyone know you suck baboon asshole.

 

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

This post was incredibly funny a couple months ago. I think it still has merit. See if you can guess where these characters names come from. I’ll give you a hint: The song in the background is from the same thing.

Podcast – Charlie Sheen

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

Facebook Link

CHARLIE

Look, sometimes the people in my head aren’t that bright. Like these two twits, babbling on and on about inane bullshit. Thanks in advance for tolerating their idiotic spoutings.

JULIE R. and RANDY are wasting time digging through the bargain racks at Target. Well, the are mostly hoping to catch the eye of the cute stock boy. Conversation between them flows freely like vomit in a Chinaski story.

Julie: I love Charlie Sheen like so much right now.

Randy: Eww. He’s all weird and freaky and old.

But that’s what I like. Not the old or whatever but he’s just like totally different from all those other Hollywood types.

But he’s crazy.

What makes you say that?

C’mon, seriously? He’s all waving machetes around and dating porn stars and stuff. Totally lost his shit.

No way. He’s just a guy going through like a total midlife crisis. What 45-year-old man doesn’t want to date 20-year-old porn stars? And like like machetes and stuff. He’s just like testing boundaries er whatever.

Whatever is right bitch. Have you heard him talk? He’s all “winning” and “tiger’s blood” and all “warlock of Malibu” and junk. Totally whacked. I like can you know barely even kinda understand or whatever…

It’s not literal. He’s like using metaphor and stuff.

I don’t know. I think the coke rotted his brain.

No way.

Yes way. He’s got a real problem. I kind of feel sorry for him.

OMG. He’s super rich, with a nice house and stuff.

But the drugs–

Enough with the drugs already. If this were like the sixties or something, he wouldn’t even be in the top fifty of drug addict celebrities. We’ve totally gotten out of control with the Nancying.

But drugs are bad. We should like totally say no.

Why? You know it’s not like everybody that does drugs is automatically an addict or whatever. Some times, people just want to party. I see nothing wrong with that. It’s so bad now that celebrities can’t even like fuck without having to like go to rehab.

But that’s because it’s unhealthy. Tiger totally needed to reform and get treatment ‘cause he was like totally out of control.

As if. He needed treatment for what, being rich and handsome and horny? I wish I was in that situation.

But he was married. Cheating’s so totally wrong.

But like ninety percent of couples cheat at some point or another. It’s not that big of a deal.

Gross. You have totally misplaced your moral compass. Like dig it out of your panty drawer.

Don’t get douchey. Things aren’t all like black and white and all good and evil or whatever. It’s all gray and–

Like, uh, like–

What? I totally caught you blowing a guy in that bathroom that time. Where do you get all these like moral high ground things?

Oh my god. You whore. How can you bring that up?

You get all high horse and shit about these people but you have no right.

Of course I do. They are in the public eye. They like have a duty to be all valiant and noble and stuff.

Where the H does that come from? Have you lost your puny mind?

I will totally slap you.

Go for it bitch.

The brawl is short lived and ends as soon as the stock boy comes back into sight. The two morons fix themselves quickly and attempt to look casual. Eventually he leaves again without noticing their furtive glances.

I kinda think Randy Quaid is hot.

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DRIVING TIP #8 Sometimes the road curves. I assure you, the road continues on the other side of the curve. Yes, even if you can’t see it. Keep off the brakes, ass hair.


REPUBLICANS

Podcast – Republicans

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

Facebook Link

 

REPUBS


DEMOSTHENES rises from his luxurious couch still chewing a grape and follows the slim proud figure of LOCKE as he crosses the crowded hall briefly engaging in conversation as he passes the other philosophers. He bumps Descartes, knocking wine into the Frenchman’s lap. The man hardly notices, as he is deep in a solipsistic quandary.

Freud has quite an audience. He is demonstrating something (by frantically thrusting his cigar through a napkin ring) to the crowd around him. He seems to have far more energy than a late middle-aged man should possess. Kierkegaard is apparently IT and is having a hard time catching Schelling, Hegel, or Schlegel.

Locke steps onto the dais and the two philosophers shake limply. A pulsing hatred bounces back and forth between the two thinkers.

This is a planned meeting and Locke wastes no time getting to the point.

Locke:  I’ve finally figured out republicans.

Demosthenes regains his former position in the comfy chair, accepts a peeled grape, and takes a sip of mead from his goat skull tankard.

Demosthenes:  This should be good.

I assure you this will only sting a little.

Very well. Continue.

The republican philosophy boils down to this, “I care about me and mine to the exclusion of all others.” This is honestly what their mission statement should be. The unfortunate bit is that this is an absolutely terrible basis of governance.

So caring for those close to you is what? Evil?

Not at all. The problem lies in attempting to make choices for those you care nothing about.  And isn’t that a major responsibility of any government? After all, it’s written into the Declaration of Independence.

Why do you think the party is constantly fighting for deregulation and lower taxes? We believe that the federal government should deal exclusively with foreign affairs. Keeping their hands out of our pockets and allowing the state and local governments to deal with the needs of their populous.

Noble.  Flawed but noble.

How can that be flawed?

Well, consider traveling. Certain laws need to carry over from state to state otherwise we will lose cohesion and become the separated states of America.

For example?

Let’s say Massachusetts decides to kill every third baby because the state can’t sustain its current rate of population growth.

Ridiculous. But that would be their right.

Really? So Boston now has several smothering centers. Millions of people move away but then again millions of people move in because it’s cheaper to smother a child than to pay for the Ritalin to help them cope with their ADD. Mississippi reinstates slavery. Utah erects a fence around the state to keep out atheists. All of this is absolutely acceptable in the republican dream world as long as it’s duly processed and democratically voted on. Despite the human rights violations.

You should have more faith in people. No one will want to kill children or bring back slavery. Even if they did, like you say, people would be free to move away. But what we ultimately want is to be able to control what flows out of our wallets.

This is the problem. Republicans are thoughtless about everything except greed. Destroy anything that stands in the way of profit. Keep making poor people suffer. Fuck those broke bastards. If they can’t help my bottom line, why don’t they just die? And where does all this inane antiquated morality come from? How can you have such staunch morals about how people live their lives when you don’t give a shit about them?

I thought you said this wasn’t going to offend.

Fuck you and all those like you. You’re like children. “I want everything except the responsibility for my actions. I want to shit on people and tell them how they should live at the same time.”

So much for a pleasant discourse.

Good. You fucking soulless shit bird. Get your worthless fat cat ass out of my government. You offer nothing but banality and the worst of human characteristics. Your philosophy is based on fantasy and ignorance. People need guidance. Not some sort of caged anarchism in the form of a scorched earth policy.

This is why they say never discuss politi-

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Only people that are wrong on everything say things shouldn’t be discussed.

I’m leaving now.

Demosthenes struggles with his bloated mass and manages to gain his footing. He waddles off the dais and as he crosses the room, Kierkegaard taps him lightly on the shoulder exclaiming that he is now IT.  Demosthenes punches the existentialist in the gut, reaches around, and steals his wallet.

Thief. Jack-hole. Get out of here. Go kill prisoners while at the same time fighting pro-choice. Go hire a thousand illegal immigrants while at the same time complaining about them being here. Go take everyone’s livelihood while telling them you are doing the best you can. Go stick your dick in a band saw.

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HIPSTER WARNING SIGN #1 You are a man and you find yourself inexplicably in a pair of Capri pants.



LESBIANS

Podcast – Lesbians

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

Facebook Link

LESBIANS

FOGHORN stares at LEGHORN like an old-west gunslinger preparing to draw.  It’s obvious they despise each other.  This is probably why they get along so well.  Instead of pulling a gun, Leghorn flips an arrant strand of hair away and takes a long pull on a pint.  Foghorn grows impatient.

Leghorn knows this and takes more time than is absolutely necessary to build and light a hand-rolled.  Foghorn stage sighs loudly in frustration.  No, not because Leghorn lit a cigarette in a bar (in this reality no one is naïve enough to believe someone else’s suicide is more dangerous for them than the one committing the act. Yes the bullet still has a fair amount of speed as it exits the skull but it is fragmented and while it might poke an eye out the chance of death is minimal) but because Leghorn is wasting precious time.

Foghorn:  Well?

Leghorn:  I don’t believe in lesbians.

What?

I don’t think they exist.

They do.  I’ve met some.

How progressive of you.  Did you actually talk to any of them?

Of course.  A friend of mine from high school was a lesbian…for a while.

Aha.  Just as I hypothesized.  I’ve known a bunch of dykes in my time too.  But they either fall in love with a guy or were “experimenting” but the fact is they all love having something shoved in their snooze.

Are you saying gay is a choice?

Not at all.  Gay guys are GAY.  Gay girls are pretending.

That’s ridiculous.  There’s a genetic predisposition to being gay.

Maybe but when I meet a lesbian I feel like asking “When were you molested?”

Getting angry now.

Whatever.  If lesbians were real, they wouldn’t want the same sexual intercourse as heterosexual women.  They should do bizarre shit like the real gays.  Maybe like tit to clit or some shit like that.

That’s ridiculous.  So you believe every gay guy that’s a “top” is actually a closet straight guy.

Not at all.  Gays use an entirely different outlet for sexual gratifi-

The penis?

No the ass.

No.  Trust me.  It’s the penis.  Genitals don’t change in gay people.  They aren’t a different species.  I’ll admit that it seems like gays and lesbians have suffered a higher percentage of sexual abuse but that’s because they are asked about it more often.

Maybe, but I can’t see two straight guys making out and sword fighting with their dicks to get mardi gras beads.  It just seems too easy for women to bounce back and forth.  I’m gay.  I’m straight.  I like diesel dykes.  No wait I fell in love with Joe at work.  No, I prefer girls again.  Make up your fucking mind.  And why are you so pissed off all the time.  Do you have to be offended by every goddamn thing any one says or does?

I hate you so much right now.  Everything you say sucks.

Like what?

Like what?  Are you seriously this much of a douche nozzle?  Everyone’s different.  You can’t make such broad generalizations.  There’s no fact in anything you say.  It’s all, “I think this and I’ve seen that”.  How can I rationally argue against your perception?

Is that really what’s pissing you off or is it that you know I’m right.

Leghorn takes a smug sip of beer and an arrogant drag on his cigarette.

Go fuck yourself you smug arrogant shit clown.

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DRIVING TIP #20 A car accident, even a small one, is probably going to be one of the worst days of your life. Do yourself a favor and avoid hitting things.

 

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