LANGHORNE PRESENTS...

Hey Thinkers,
Welcome to my hilarious blog. Here you will meet a bunch of crazy folks that live inside my head. Mostly hateful, nasty critters, but they do make a decent point here and there.
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Think, disagree, argue. Don't be an asshole. My characters will take care of that. Cuss all you want but speak coherently and please proofread your comments.
These things will help you not only look smarter but help you to be taken seriously.
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Enjoy the show.

Posts Tagged ‘Foghorn’

FATTIES

This one pretty much says it all. If there is any one feature I try to keep in the forefront of my social life, it’s my shallowness. Enjoy.
Podcast – Fatties

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

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FATTIES

Foghorn and Leghorn sit in a swank hipster bistro. For reasons that can only be described as environmental, they are both surprised to be sipping grey goose martinis. As always, Foghorn is taking way too long to order.

Foghorn: (To waiter) I think I want to start with the jalapeno poppers. Then the–

Leghorn: The salad?

I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.

With a side salad?

Fries.

Leghorn sighs.

What’s your damage now?

You’re fat. (To waiter) I’ll have the salad.

So what?

You don’t wear it well. You’re unattractive. I don’t like unattractive people.

Oh and you’re the end all be all of beauty?

Nope. But at least I make an effort to look decent. You eat like your planning to hibernate for the winter. It’s disgusting. Fat is disgusting. Fat people eating like pigs is disgusting. Shows you have zero self-respect.

You’re one shallow motherfucker.

Am I? Is it shallow to lose respect for someone because they have a major personality flaw?

No. It’s shallow to judge people on the way they look.

Really? What about the way you smell? Is that shallow?

What do you mean?

If you smelled like a sack of anuses, would it be shallow if I no longer wanted to hang out with you?

I guess not.

What if you screeched every time you opened your mouth?

What’s your point?

I’m trying to establish the criteria for shallowness. It seems to me that shallow is strictly visual. Would it be shallow if you came at me in assless chaps and I ran away?

I guess not but to base your opinion on something that is purely visual is the definition of shallow. What if I had the body of an Abercrombie model but I also had a harelip. Would you hate me then?

Yes. I don’t like ugly people. And yes. That is shallow. I admit it. I’m not saying I’m deep. All I’m saying is fat people are disgusting. Fat isn’t something you’re born with. Yeah, Okay, thyroid blah blah blah. I get it. There are things. But that’s like one in ten-thousand. Most of you fat-ass losers just don’t give a shit. I don’t like people that don’t give a shit.

So now we all have to look like super-models just to talk to you. How is it that you have any friends?

No. No. No. Not super-models. Like…You…Give…A…Shit. Lazy people are a waste of space. All I’m saying is; don’t be a waste of space.

But fat doesn’t mean lazy. Some people have more important things on their mind than looking good for you.

Yet another excuse. If you are out of breath tying your shoes, how much are you really going to accomplish.

Plus, losing weight doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a commitment that lasts a lifetime.

Well score one for fatties. Lazy and afraid of commitment. What a catch. Yeah, I really feel wrong for being judgmental.

I never expect you to feel wrong about anything. You should feel like a fucking shallow dickhead though.

I don’t. I can’t respect any one who doesn’t take care of themselves. If they can’t take care of themselves, how could they ever take care of me?

I knew it. You self-serving prick fucking bastard. It always comes down to how the world can benefit you.

Of course.

I hope you choke on your lettuce.

Foghorn takes one massive last bite and with grease running down his chin he leaves the table. Leghorn watches him waddle away, chewing on a forkful of micro greens (whatever they are) and starts to choke.

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DRIVING TIP #10– It’s not everyone else’s fault. Sometimes you fuck up. Own it and move on.

 

LESBIANS

Podcast – Lesbians

I recommend opening the podcast in a new window and reading along.

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LESBIANS

FOGHORN stares at LEGHORN like an old-west gunslinger preparing to draw.  It’s obvious they despise each other.  This is probably why they get along so well.  Instead of pulling a gun, Leghorn flips an arrant strand of hair away and takes a long pull on a pint.  Foghorn grows impatient.

Leghorn knows this and takes more time than is absolutely necessary to build and light a hand-rolled.  Foghorn stage sighs loudly in frustration.  No, not because Leghorn lit a cigarette in a bar (in this reality no one is naïve enough to believe someone else’s suicide is more dangerous for them than the one committing the act. Yes the bullet still has a fair amount of speed as it exits the skull but it is fragmented and while it might poke an eye out the chance of death is minimal) but because Leghorn is wasting precious time.

Foghorn:  Well?

Leghorn:  I don’t believe in lesbians.

What?

I don’t think they exist.

They do.  I’ve met some.

How progressive of you.  Did you actually talk to any of them?

Of course.  A friend of mine from high school was a lesbian…for a while.

Aha.  Just as I hypothesized.  I’ve known a bunch of dykes in my time too.  But they either fall in love with a guy or were “experimenting” but the fact is they all love having something shoved in their snooze.

Are you saying gay is a choice?

Not at all.  Gay guys are GAY.  Gay girls are pretending.

That’s ridiculous.  There’s a genetic predisposition to being gay.

Maybe but when I meet a lesbian I feel like asking “When were you molested?”

Getting angry now.

Whatever.  If lesbians were real, they wouldn’t want the same sexual intercourse as heterosexual women.  They should do bizarre shit like the real gays.  Maybe like tit to clit or some shit like that.

That’s ridiculous.  So you believe every gay guy that’s a “top” is actually a closet straight guy.

Not at all.  Gays use an entirely different outlet for sexual gratifi-

The penis?

No the ass.

No.  Trust me.  It’s the penis.  Genitals don’t change in gay people.  They aren’t a different species.  I’ll admit that it seems like gays and lesbians have suffered a higher percentage of sexual abuse but that’s because they are asked about it more often.

Maybe, but I can’t see two straight guys making out and sword fighting with their dicks to get mardi gras beads.  It just seems too easy for women to bounce back and forth.  I’m gay.  I’m straight.  I like diesel dykes.  No wait I fell in love with Joe at work.  No, I prefer girls again.  Make up your fucking mind.  And why are you so pissed off all the time.  Do you have to be offended by every goddamn thing any one says or does?

I hate you so much right now.  Everything you say sucks.

Like what?

Like what?  Are you seriously this much of a douche nozzle?  Everyone’s different.  You can’t make such broad generalizations.  There’s no fact in anything you say.  It’s all, “I think this and I’ve seen that”.  How can I rationally argue against your perception?

Is that really what’s pissing you off or is it that you know I’m right.

Leghorn takes a smug sip of beer and an arrogant drag on his cigarette.

Go fuck yourself you smug arrogant shit clown.

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DRIVING TIP #20 A car accident, even a small one, is probably going to be one of the worst days of your life. Do yourself a favor and avoid hitting things.

 

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